EXCLUSIVE: The Boars Are Coming For Us – A SPECIAL NEWS


Hello everyone, how are you? Are y-you news? I’m news
So let’s news. An Ohio man was forced to call the police after being followed home by a wayward Pig
While initially assuming it was a drunken prank, the cops were able to arrest and return this wine to its rightful owner. That’s fun, right?
Not all Trump and Nazis at some more news. Perhaps this is a YouTube video
You can share with your mother. And in other news wild boars are trying to kill your mother
This story from Ohio isn’t just indicative of a growing feral pig problem in that state, but of the United
States as seen on this map between 1982 and 2017 the u.s
Feral pig population is nearly doubled to over 6 million and growing. That’s roughly the population of Los Angeles and Chicago combined
There are more boar in the US than there are
Norwegians in Norway and look if you if you know this show you might also know that there was an earlier but legally
distinct version of this show where I might have implied that a
radioactive teleporting boar was F***ing its way across Europe and creating an army of super boar slowly but steadily taking over the planet and
And while I could go back and recap all the earlier evidence of this
Such as the time a boar erupted from the Baltic Sea and started bullying beachgoers
I’d rather show you all the examples of boar attacks that have happened since making the original video in 2017
So let’s go to the timeline April 25th
2017 in Iraq a herd of stampeding boar trample and kill three Islamic state militants. Oh, did I say kill?
I meant to say seriously they fucking killed them
June 24th 2017
Hong Kong two men including one police officer are
hospitalized after attempting to subdue a wild boar in a park and speaking of parks and horror on
July 1st 2017 in Singapore a woman needed 60 stitches after being impaled by a boars tusks while enjoying a quiet day at the Windsor
Nature Park on October 17 2017 the small city of Hyde Germany was terrorized by a pair of male and female wild boars
Presumably swine lovers who injured four people before the man pig was shot and killed by a local hunter
The lady boar managed to escape the gunfire and there’s no doubt plotting to reciprocate this very second
On to December 4th 2017 in Germany where a hunter was mauled and killed by a wild boar police
Say the murderous pigs whereabouts are unknown, but added that it could be in your house possibly waiting in your shower right now
December 6th two days later
2017 a school at Higashiyama. Japan goes on lockdown after a swine beast goes boar sh*t in its hallways
January 4th 2018 yet another school boaring, this time in Italy injuring one person
January 11th
2018 England a man takes his dog for a morning walk
Only to be randomly ambushed by a wild boar who bites his finger off for no reason
February 2nd 2018 Shanxi Province in China a wild boar murders a man to death while another person
Desperately tries to save him by beating the boar with a shovel. It was all captured on security camera footage that to be honest
I’m not entirely comfortable sharing with you February
(mutters) just hold on a second
February 13th
2018 video emerges of a wild boar the size of a fucking bear
Rummaging through a dumpster in what has been presumed to be China because it wasn’t enough that boars are raged fuelled
locomotives of mangled slaughter they also need to be king-sized and
Finally, March 14 2018 in Hong Kong a boar was spotted swimming in the middle of Victoria Harbour like the Loch Ness
monster
How did it get there probably teleportation?
you know the part where people f***ing
died? Well,
The ante has been upped in the war between man and swine and in order to level the playing field this particular news
Dude would like to discover three things
Where did they come from?
What do they want from us?
What can we do to stop them? Now, we’ve been doing extensive research to find answers to all of this
So let’s start with that first question
Where did they come from? Nazis! Nazis?
seriously, it’s
Yeah, all right. Nazis, I guess, which I, I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about, but this is specifically
Cow Nazis
Okay, so, so this is
Just one of several theories, but back during that other period of time when Nazis were growing in power,
Two brothers named Lutz and Heinz Heck began experimenting with breeding super cows. A bovine master race,
if you will, and
Uddermencsch and
so naturally by the 1930s the hex cattle work attracted a third reich who began funding the
experiments and even appointed Lutz to their forest authority where he branched out to other farm animals, you know, like
uh, boar
Anyway, while most of the experiments were lost to the war, the hex Nazi cows are not only still around today
but extremely aggressive animals. if I was standing here, uh, and, and, some of the more aggressive ones were in this field and
They could see me then. He would come right across the there and try and kill you. So theory number one
Is that this boar, this boar
Teleporting across Europe and feeding off of radioactive energy, is some kind of former Nazi experiment that escaped
during the bombings
Second theory. Now,
Hear me out between May 28 and October 7th of 1957. The United States government tested nuclear bombs on nearly
1,200 pigs, they literally just took a bunch of swine, brought them to Nevada packed them in some metal tubes and
Just, just, nuked them, with, with nuclear weapons
135 pigs in aluminum containers for protection against blast and thermal
were exposed to the Franklin shot to determine the effects of combined Neutron and gamma radiation and
Straight gamma it was called
Operation plumb bob and was considered one of the most controversial nuclear tests due to the high levels of radiation to which people were exposed
But what of these pigs? is it possible one survived only to gain some kind of special hog power?
There are all kinds of scientific studies on the effects of low-level radiation on various animals. And guess what?
It’s not all bad
And in fact has produced certain healing properties in mice and sure while it’s true that mice does not equal bore
I’d like to call your attention to pig
311 a bore alike creature that managed to miraculously survive the goddamn bikini Atoll tests out of
3352 other animals her medical records were dubbed a military secret before she moved on to live a full life the Smithsonian’s National Zoo
Later, her nuclear survival would be deemed a hoax by the newspapers because that’s certainly not a cover-up
Come on, sheep people, you, you sheep, you sheeple
You human, you shoe, you human sheep hybrids, you, some combination of sheep and a person
I don’t know. But if there is a teleporting board dicking around the world spreading his or her cum, you damn
Well know the government not only knows about it, but probably caused it
But whichever Theory you subscribe to there’s a more important question to be answered. What do they want from us?
Well for starters are sweet radiation
Obviously remember how I said that the feral pig population is doubled in the US since 1982
Well guess what else has doubled during that time?
nuclear power plant construction
these goddamn animals love our radiation in Sweden wild boars are gobbling up nuclear mushrooms like they’re…
mushrooms
Radioactive boar are thriving in both Fukushima and Chernobyl and one study has even found that the presence of high-radiation
Also known as the lack of humans actually helps these animals flourish
It’s exactly like Planet of the Apes
But Bor we humans used radiation to test all sorts of terrible things on pigs and now it’s that same radiation
That’s killing us while the pigs take over and they are
Taking over a recent report by The Washington Post found that as Japan’s aged population’s been dying off
They are being replaced slowly by packs of wild boar as in wild boar are literally
Taking over Japan. It’s the perfect storm you guys as
Climate change makes the country more habitable for swine the Fukushima disaster
Created an unpopulated haven for them to flourish and since there’s already a dwindling population problem
It’s a simple matter of people slowly dying out while boar
Aggressively move in and you know, what else will dwindle a population?
Infertility caused by radiation the kind of radiation you’d be exposed to from one of these blood-hungry squeal hounds
Galloping out of the bushes to throttle you and your newborn, baby
This is a real threat people
they are literally bursting from the ocean and replacing us and if you think I’m
Anthropomorphize in the ire of this boar brother and a little too much
Keep in mind that not only do pigs have a surprisingly advanced communication system
They use to convey warnings and even feelings to one another but they’re also emotionally and cognitively complex
Creatures to the point where scientists have labeled them as sentient. That’s right. They have the best words and a very good brain
Wouldn’t it make sense that they might be able to pass on hold a species wide grudge for the torment of mankind?
What good are we to this corkscrew tailed horde as anything but a target for
Revolution? and that brings us to the most important question of all what can we do to stop them?
So here in the States, the people tasked with taking on our big hog debacle is the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service
Which has recently experimented with toxic bait in the hopes It will quell the borer onslaught
However is being America in 2018 there
Of course one setback in the form of massive Drumpf budget cuts and horrendous mismanagement from the Drumpf administration
Because this perfectly good news story about a radioactive hog
Pocalypse is of course somehow going to involve Donald Drumpf. I can’t get a fucking
Moment
It’s almost as if Drumpf is secretly aiding the Boer army for personal gain
or maybe he’s just waiting to see who comes out on top before he swears allegiance who can say
meanwhile in Japan
They took a different approach and built a robot wolf
Wait is that
What wolves look like in Japan? What is the radiation done to this country?
This is madness. Is there some like simpler non robotic way we can use science to our advantage
w-w-wha, no, that, why, wha-,
if you isolate their brains that will just piss them off more and I seriously
Can’t stress enough that pigs have the ability to warn others when they are in distress
Yes
even
disembodied pig brains
If headlines like these are any indication fans in Ukraine have been given a chance to meet a psychic Pig who will be giving daily
forecasts throughout the tournament
They reckon he has a nose for predicting winners
Psychic fucking pigs you guys a pig that if you notice the news story is from Kiev
Which is right next to Chernobyl like they are they’re still eating fucking radioactive food there. Fuck. I-
Maybe it’s because I’ve been awake for 63 hours, but I can’t help but feel like I’m spinning my wheels here
It seems like no one is taking this problem seriously and offering any kind of practical solution
Do we have any other scrap of hope here? Oh
Okay
So so Denmark is building a 44-mile wall to keep Boar out and, that, it seems like it could work. So I guess let’s
build a wall like
Like like a big wall
To keep these animals from hurting us and replacing us and make America like it was before
in the 80s
that wou-, that would work r-right like I’m
Provided talking about like animals and not a group of people were dehumanizing for some kind of political distraction, but that would
That would be pretty shitty, but this
This is good
So mostly just pictures of Hitler
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